A Nurse With Attitude

Where Dark Cynical Humor, Nursing Issues, and Politics Seem to Merge

Tools Explained:

 I know that this is pretty lame as a post.  But I’m kinda dry on material and my time is short.  Heck, it’s sunny inOregonand I gotta get out and get my vitimim D infusion before it starts to rain again.    I was thinking about my carpenter student and we got to swapping stories about nail gun mishaps, how table saws and alcohol doesn’t mix, and how not to use a chain saw, etc, and I found this list of things that I got from my sister and thought I’d pass them along.

—————-

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal

bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your

beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had

carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned

calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh chit!’

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up

jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future

becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense

welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you

have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under

the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash

can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or

for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;

but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your

palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket

you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used

as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the

object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find

the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such

as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,

refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work

clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B!*CH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and

throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a B!*CH!’ at the top of your

lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

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