A Nurse With Attitude

Where Dark Cynical Humor, Nursing Issues, and Politics Seem to Merge

Archive for the category “Humor and Nonsense”

Dog Germs

First off, I will apologize because with my new format, I don’t seem to be able to write as much.  This is a work in progress.  The topics don’t seem to come to me as naturally as watching the news and then nearly letting my temporal blood vessel explode.  I don’t watch nearly as much news now.  The natural things that I deal with in my job as a nurse and such doesn’t  seem to come to the top of the list as easily.

But, enough of that blather on why I’m not performing my duty as a blogger…  The other day, I was sitting on my front porch watching people go by, in my “old curmudgeon” fashion, and my next door neighbor went by walking her dog.  Like any Portland liberal, she thinks of her dog as “her child.”  Once she stopped, the big, poorly behaved, golden lab turned and pulled hard on the leash to come up on my porch.  I frowned and growled and she pulled the dog back.  She said her hello, and knelt down in the middle of my yard and began to give her dog some “loving” as she petted him all over. The dog was happy to get the attention and proceeded to give her a bunch of “kisses” all over her face.

“He’s really a sweet dog,”  she said.

I responded with,  “you know that dog’s mouth is filthy.”

She looked confused,  “you know, a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s mouth” she said with a smirk…

Well, the conversation went on from there, and I didn’t seem to win over a new friend.  I think it ended with, “Well, I am a nurse after all… and your dog still eats turds”

I reflected on this conversation and tried to think where this crazy notion came from.  My sister is a veterinarian and she would tell you the same.  Dog owners swear that “a dog’s mouth is clean,” and I’ve even heard,  “their saliva is much cleaner, and if you have a cut or anything, if they lick it, it helps heal the cut faster.”  Are you kidding me?  Think about where dogs put their mouths.  They eat garbage, and lick their privates and of other dogs too.  All you have to do is look, or watch and you can realize that this is not at all true.

Maybe some believe that a dogs mouths are cleaner because most of the bacteria teaming in a dog’s mouth is species-specific.  That is, a regular staph or strep bacteria that grows naturally in a dogs mouth is not necessarily transmissible to a human.

Another reason is the owners notice that after a dog licks a wound, the wound seems to heal fast.  But that’s because the dog’s tongue gets rid of the dead tissue.  It’s much like when a surgeon debrides a wound to get down to the healthy tissue.  The licking action also stimulates circulation and brushes away dead cells.  A wash and scrub with an antiseptic and a gauze does the same.

Your dog’s mouth is still filthy.

California may eventually not be all bad…

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The wife and I went for a drive last week.  Whenever we get more than two days off in a row, we take a drive somewhere.  Last week we went to the San Juan Islands in Washington state.  We simply get in the car with a change of clothes and a tooth brush, and pick a point on the compass and go.  The week before we went South.  We ended up in Medford and we stayed the night at a wonderful little bed and breakfast in Jacksonville. In our travels and exploring, we made a wrong turn and, all of a sudden, we passed a sign that clearly read, “welcome to California.” I was not happy. The traffic was heavy and I couldn’t just turn around. So we drove on. When we got to the Redwood National Park I turned into the first campground and turned around to head back to Oregon. My wife clearly wanted to go deeper into California. I said, “sweetie, I have my gun with me… and I don’t really went to go anywhere I could be considered a felon. So we really need to get back to Oregon.”

This got me to thinking, I mean, California is indeed a beautiful state and it does have some nice places. I would like to go visit and even spend some money there. But on the other hand, why does it have to be so crazy liberal, and why do I feel so bad when even a cent of my money goes to support a wacko liberal cause? My wife even went as far to comment, “now don’t you go and say that all of the people of this state are nuts. Surely there are some conservatives and Christians in California.” I thought a minute, and said, “if there were, why don’t they vote? If they are outnumbered, then why don’t they leave this stupid corrupt state? I hear all the time about liberals leaving California to spread their insanity and corruption to other states. I hear how “liberal it’s getting” and how many “liberal nuts are moving here” stories from a bunch of my friends in Montana and Texas. Why don’t the conservatives of that state do something? After all, it’s the public majority that continuously re-elect these crooked, wacky-liberal, politicians that propagate the ridiculous laws that plague the state.

I don’t really know… I think the reason Californians don’t leave is because they’re content screwing up their own state.  Really, the last thing we need is those people voting in other states. California is a paradise of a state as far as natural recourses, but the liberal politics make it unlivable.  California Wins “Worst State for Business” for 11th Year in a row!

After careful research, I have come up with a solution for the liberal plague infecting California.  In the state 40% of the population voted for the Republican in the last governor’s election…it’s those people I don’t get why they’re staying.  But solving the issue is simple.  (see the pic above)  It’s the implementing the solution is what’s going to be difficult.  My wife said, “just be patient John,  soon it will happen.  And I believe it may happen all on it’s own. Just you wait and see.”

 

The problem, I’m not a patient man…  where’s Lex Luthor when you need him?

Media Bias

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I’m not even going to weigh in on the circus revolving around Brian Williams and his fabrication of news stories. I’ve been saying for years that our American news networks are seriously bias. Bias to the point of being similar to Pravda. All of the major news (even Fox) is guilty. When the federal government welds the power of the IRS to attack perceived enemies like an attack dog, everyone in the media prints exactly what the White House wants to hear. NBS has simply been the one caught in a lie.

I grew up with Walter Cronkite . He gave the news, plain and simple, with a non-bias report. The news was simply the news as it happened. Then gradually, they started working in their own special agenda. Soon all news networks had a spin. I remember the first time I saw a news network lie. It was NBC reporting the 82 Chevy truck with exploding gas tanks. NBC even filmed one exploding. Then a slightly less bias private agency (Consumer Reports) tried to repeat the experiment. They couldn’t make the truck explode. They analyzed the video and found that NBC had used lit flares, attached to the fuel tanks to force the trucks to explode on impact. This was a big thing for me at the time. I not only drove one of those trucks, but I was a Chevy mechanic employed by a GM dealership at the time. When this story broke, I was mentally scarred. I had trusted the news as it was reported, and now I didn’t know what to believe.

So until we can get back to simply reporting the news as it happens, like Walter used to do, I will take anything these guys say with a grain of salt.

 

Here’s another news story as a humorous example of bias…

 

 

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her before the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”
“Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this on the front page. I’m going to write all about it. So tell me sir, what motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?”
“A Harley Davidson, and I am a Republican.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the New York Times and reads, on the front page:
*REPUBLICAN BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH*

Oh, by the way, for those from New York, the second half of this post was meant to be a joke… just so you know.

Woman’s Dictionary

bored

Instead of going to the shooting range to test out my new rifle, as I had planned, I was asked to spend my only day off this week to go shopping. I spent the day with my wife at the fabric store. So, as I saw these women browsing the fabrics, I was thought about a woman’s dictionary…

 

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

 

Now that’s a thrill ride!

coaster

I haven’t made any posts lately. I’ve been a little lazy. Also, the wife and I went on a vacation down South. We went to the “Six Flags over Georgia” theme park. I’m not usually an adrenaline junkie, we both agree that we’re not getting any younger.   If we are to do any thrill rides, we had better get them out of our system before we get too old and broken down to ride. I already feel guilty for walking past the signs boldly stating you shouldn’t ride if you are pregnant or have a back condition or a heart condition.   Two out of three should cause me to question my being there. Anyway, we went on to ride all of their best roller coasters for the weekend.   Afterward, we went on down to Alabama to visit my family. It was fun.

On the last day before we departed on our vacation, the neurosurgeon that I was working with asked me why I was going to Georgia. I had to explain that because I was getting older, I had to pick and choose in order to ride the higher quality roller coasters at the parks that were well maintained and proven. I was no longer able to take on the cheaper rides.   I will watch the roller coaster and see the curves and dips before I actually get in line. I went on to tell him that the unexpected stuff was the real thrill… the stuff that I didn’t think my heart could take. The ride at the county fair that was maintained by a carney with only six teeth and a screw driver, was the actual real thrill. This is where the unexpected happens. And in my advanced age, this is the very rides that I strive to avoid.

I had forgotten about our conversation until I had returned. He sent me this article about a “thrill ride” in England that made me laugh…

RIPON, England, Sept. 30 (UPI) — A theme park confirmed a young deer was struck by a roller coaster, killing the animal and covering most of the passengers in blood.
A spokeswoman for the Lightwater Valley theme park near Ripon, England, confirmed the deer wandered Saturday morning onto the track of “The Ultimate,” billed as Europe’s longest roller coaster, and was struck.
“We can confirm a young deer did unfortunately get hit by the Ultimate train yesterday and was killed instantly,” the spokeswoman said. “There is a large perimeter fence surrounding the theme park but occasionally wild animals do manage to stray onto the park during the night.”
The roller coaster was closed for 30 minutes before resuming normal operations.
Reports indicate passengers were sprayed with the animal’s blood, but there were no human injuries from the crash.

Wow, imagine being in the front row seats.

 

 

 

 

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween1

Yea… Me too kid!

Woman Shot in her own Driveway

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Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush’s fault

Photo Not Necessary

Photo not necessary

I went to eat out with my in-laws last night. They wanted Chinese and we ate dinner at Panda Express. They have pictures of everything. I guess it’s for those in this country that are blessed with the public education system… anyone who can’t read the words on the menu. They can point and smile to get exactly what they want. But drinks… really. Sometimes a picture isn’t really necessary.   I spend an unusual amount of time surfing through the net for pictures. And before you say, it’s not porn. I try hard to find a witty and humorous picture to accompany my blog post. But tonight I came to the realization that I do not really need a picture of any kind to get my point across. I mean, I like to feel that I cater to those who are better than average educated. I mean if you read, you’re way ahead. Most people who are conservative, are not immune to logic (unlike liberals) and seem to have some capacity for reason. Because of my topics, my political leanings, and my writing style, I tend to think that most people who read my blog are conservative and thus have a greater than average intelligence. So, to make a long story short, pictures are not necessarily mandatory to get the point across. So I’ll assume that my followers will not be unhappy if I forgo pictures once in a while.

Oh the other hand, if you’re a liberal and are unhappy, well, don’t worry… because I’m not worrying

Vacation

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Today was a good day.  I was bumping along, working my usual at the surgery center.  No profuse bleeding, no lost items,  nothing  horrible at all.  My relief came to give me my lunch break at exactly 11:00.  Not 11:20,  or  12:20,  or some random time with an excuse, “oh, it’s been so hectic out there,  blah, blah…”  I was heading to lunch room, dreaming of my “Hungry Man” meal sitting in the freezer and my manager stopped me and “wanted to talk.”  I immediately tensed as any manager “wanting to talk” is always bad. 

Fortunately, my good luck seemed to continue,  as  our “managerial talk” to be something that I would have never expected…  good news.  She said that tomorrow (Thursday) was a little light and would I like to “have the day off.”  I snapped back,  “hell yeah, I’ll have a day off… do I look stupid?… Well, maybe you shouldn’t answer that.  Uh, sure I’ll have the day off”   So, I guess I’m on a roll for having a good day!

When I got to the break room, there were nurses,  techs,  and anesthesia providers, all grumbling.  “My kid’s failing math… my surgeon is such an ass today… my patient has mental changes post-op and I had to make a trip to the ICU…” It went on and on.  I came in all smiles and announced,  “hey, In only five more hours,  I’m on vacation!  I can hardly contain my joy.”  One of the nurses looked up and said,  “well, looky here,  it’s mister happy pants.  Well, where are you going on your vacation?”  I thought a second, “uh, I don’t really know.”  Then they said, “hey, how long are you going to be gone… and who’s covering your service while you’re gone…Don’t look at me”  I smiled, “Oh, I’ll be back on Friday,  I’ll be here for the Neuro-surgery guys.”  They laughed,  “stupid… that’s not a vacation.  It’s just a day off.”  I replied, “any day away from here and doing something fun, is clearly a vacation.”  In the end, they had to agree. 

The next question was, “well, what are you going to do… on your vacation?”  I thought a bit, “I think I’m going to start off with a trip to the Growlery.  It’s a new beer place that has over fifty different beers on tap. They are all really good local microbrew beers too” 

“Don’t get in trouble, you know… if you drink too much,” one of the other anesthesia guys said.    I replied,  “first off, this place is only a few blocks from my house,  and I walk there.  It takes, literally less than five minutes”   Apparently trying to voice her objection to alcohol, the other nurse said, “hey, you know that having more then  three drinks in two hours is clinically considered a binge drinker.”  I told her, “well, I use to work in a hospital in Libby Montana.  It was very near the Canadian line.  Most of the employees were, in fact, Canadian.  Do you know what  they call anyone who drinks three drinks in two hours?”  As the other nurse gave me a shrug, I said,  “They call me the designated driver.”  She was sneering a bit and I said,  “Those Canadians say to me… ‘come on, light-weight,  get your keys, we have another place to go”‘    I went on to reassure the skeptical nurse,  “I’ve been with Canadians and I know my limit.  They taught me a hard lesson that no American can keep up with them.  I don’t even try.  and now that I’m a lot older,  I just have a few taster glasses and maybe a full mug of my favorite and call it a night.  Believe me,  it’s not anything like it was when I was younger.  I’m gonna have a few beers and walk back home.”  Then tomorrow I’m gonna sleep in and relax.  I’m going to have a nice breakfast and some good custom ground coffee.  Then I’m going to go out on my porch and enjoy the morning… while you all are here working.

 

Wal-Mart

WalMart

Yesterday was my off-day in my list of chores to do was to go grocery shopping.  I went to my usual place for sustenance,  which was Winco foods.   Next to Winco was Costco,  office Depot,  Best Buy, and a few other big box stores.  I looked across the road and saw a bunch of cars.  My ADD clicked in and I was lost.  I just wanted to see what was going on over there.  I turned left instead of right to investigate the excitement.  It was the grand opening of a brand new Super-Wal-Mart store.  It was right there in my neighborhood.   Why didn’t I hear of this?  I’m thinking to myself, probably because of the crazies in Oregon, Wal-Mart kept this very quiet and “under the radar.”  They attempted building a store in Newberg and there were court orders, law suits, injunctions,  political rallies,  marchers in the streets, protesters with signs, union organizers… needless to say, that branch of Wal-Mart has had a set-back.  Oh, it’s still being built, it’s just going to take a lot longer and cost a lot more than they had anticipated.  It should be opening in another year or so.   

People in Oregon, with such a socialistic mindset, can’t tolerate any business that is not totally union entrenched.  Wal-Mart has taken a solid anti-union posture.  I have heard from one of their managers (at the St. Helens store) that they will close its doors before allowing one of their stores to become unionized.  There are drawbacks of a non-union, yes.  My son was fired from a Wal-Mart for attempting to stop a shoplifter.  There was no recourse and no argument with the management decision, even after five years of dedication and a spotless record.  On the other hand, Wal-Mart does go out of their way to hire very compromised people who would normally be totally dependent on social services.  I give them a bunch of kudos and respect for this.  In the end, I weigh all the pro’s and con’s and I still shop the large retailer on occasion.

  Much to my surprise,  my new Wal-Mart has been at a total blackout … until today.   The “Grand Opening” was, as it turned out a lot of fun.   It seems for this grand event,  they cleaned out every trailer park, every red-neck bar,  and every carney from the entire Oregon state fair for this amazing event.  I could literally play Walmart bingo and get a full bingo card win before I even got past the greeter.  There were things that I thought were pure fiction and only seen on People of Walmart before today.   Well, I can testify that I saw it live. 

The liberals here in Oregon are all snooty about their high quality education system and universities and such.  Being a guy from Alabama, I am frequently the butt of jokes about Forrest Gump,  red-necks, poorly educated people..  When I go to a “Wal-Mart Grand Opening” event and I see these people “coming out of the shadows” in such a pompous liberal state like Oregon, it restores my faith and gives me a bit of cheer.

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